“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
nature’s most graceful animal
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You’ll be OK
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony