I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.