It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Breaking news:
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.