*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir