NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.