Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Festive toon…
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
It’s the weekend y’all
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
This is so me 😂😂
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.