WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”