Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out