Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.