People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Does your wife know you’re single?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…