her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
😅🤣😂
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”