Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.