Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*limbos away from your hug*
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe