Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.