I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY