Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Pot warmers of the day.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Here’s a meme
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.