“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
monday
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
she has a point