me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
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Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Great Canadian literature.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.