Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.