Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
British websites use biscuits.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.