What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects