When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
When your man makes a valid point
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter