[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you