[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob