although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel