If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.