me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie