Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
You Might Also Like
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.