Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Happy Star Wars day!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.