Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You Might Also Like
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m Sold!
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you