My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Have kids, they said
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.