Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
You Might Also Like
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.