[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!