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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”