Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Stop being racist to kettles.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Previously On Persistence 😎
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
where the womens at?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.