There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I want what they have
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better