[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.