[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Just a friendly reminder!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.