CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Auto correct is my worst enema.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities