Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.