When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You Might Also Like
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late