[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Hard not to take this personally
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.