*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*