I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.