*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk