Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir