I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work