It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.