I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday