[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
good for her
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile